Saturday, December 27, 2008

 

The story of The Hat. Part 2: Foundations

With my tree purchased, I skipped home and proceeded to decorate it. Two and a half feet in height, it looked splendid wrapped in lights with baubles tied to it. Unfortunately that was the easy part. I now had to attach it to my head. On the upside, it would bring my total height to just over eight feet. But how to mount it on my head? I had a plan. Inside a hard hat is a pliable , adjustable piece that fits around the head and allows construction workers to wear a one-size-fits-all helmet all day in comfort. A trip to a toolshop in King's Cross and £3.70 later, I had a shiny red hard hat to gut.

Two problems remained. Firstly, attaching the tree to the helmet inner. Second, covering up the inner so that it didn't look like I was wearing some bizarre medical device. The solution led to me uttering the following in Homebase two days before the party:
Excuse me, I'm looking for some very strong glue and a flowerpot
Quite what the nice young woman who answered my query thought I was up to I will never know. Particularly if she reviewed the store's security tapes. You see, I had very specific requirements for my flowerpot. It had to be big enough to comfortably fit my head in, I was also short on time, so couldn't risk having to return it if it was unsatisfactory.

There now exists, somewhere on Homebase Watford's CCTV system, footage of me approaching the shelf of plastic flowerpots, working my way along until spotting one that I fancy, taking it off the shelf, furtively looking around, ducking down behind a shelf of garden ornaments, and placing a flowerpot on my head.

If you were to continue watching the tape, you would then see me remove the pot from my head, shake my head sadly and replace the pot on the shelf before taking the next size up to the till. I have a very large head.

Finally, glue. I decided I needed something special. A two-part epoxy, which said it was suited to 'rough handling' seemed like the ideal choice. I'd never used it before, but I was sure it'd be quite easy. I headed to the till, pausing only to make an impulse purchase of cactus.

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