Monday, October 30, 2006


I've been away

Updates have been slow recently. Why Dave why? We miss reading about the inconsequential goings on in your life. What have you been up to?
It's great to have a vivid imagination and the occasional little voice in your head telling you that someone other than your mum reads your blog.

Well... I've been paying rather more attention to my proper website and uploading oodles of pictures to the gallery. They've been generally well-received, but I have some very nice friends who would be too polite to say different

I've been out on duty at the under 18's night again. One vomiter, one arrest for a breach of the peace, and assorted other maladies and attention-seekers, possibly resulting in a post later.

I became horribly drunk at the Big Chill House, which put me off alcohol for several days, but was a great chance to catch up with a friend and make some contacts - I wonder if I can declare my rounds as a business expense? I want to like the Big Chill House, but my two nights out there have been OK rather than stellar. Maybe it improves on repetition.

We're still trying to rid the house of mice, and now have plug-in devices which click periodically, and say they're emitting ultrasonic waves. It's ever-so-slightly Emperor's new clothes, but we've haven't heard the pitter-patter of tiny rodent feet, and there have been no more screaming incidents.

Went out
to see Mr Fatboy Slim, who played a storming 1-hour set of oldskool big beat, which was very well received indeed by the 100 assembled people. Disappointingly not everyone there was dancing, and it was a predoinantly male crowd, but hey-ho, I danced like a camp man on hot in roof and thoroughly enjoyed myself, even if I did spend rather too much time with a view dominated by a tall bloke in an orange Palookaville T-shirt.

I've been depressed by my ongoing failure to find clothes that fit. Even Uni-Qlo, who you one might have thought, catering as they do to the Japanese market, not known for being a nation of basket ball players might have some smaller sizes, but no joy "No, it only comes with a 34-inch leg" Once again, the apologetic sales assistant was a woman of perhaps 5 feet and 3 inches.

I am up to my neck in Christmas card orders, which is a bit of a one-man show at work - design selection & ordering, leaflet commisioning, mailing arrangements, payment processing and despatch are all not only my responsibility, but my job - the only thing I've not had to do is design the cards and colour them in (though it came close at one point)
If I can last to the end of the week though, by my reckoning I'm off my probationary period - woo-hoo!

So that's a birds-eye view of my life as it stands. A month or two back I was told that during Christmas 7am-7pm days become the norm, and I now see why. Not something I'm relishing. Anyway, go look at the gallery it's nice!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


Looks like... Smells like...

Most people are familiar with cat food. Pungent, and in a wides range of flavours, usually brown and glistening.

So if you were working in the marketing department of a major cat food manufacturer, why would you choose the following tagline:

As Good As It Looks

Really? That good? Because I'd rather not say what it looks like, and I definitely don't want to think about what it smells like.
And such odd flavours: Tuna. Chicken. Cod. Turkey. Salmon Have you ever seen a cat eating a chicken or swimming in the mediterranean fishing for a nice yellowfin? Maybe in the North Atlantic catching a cod, or diving into a Scottish loch.?

Funny how they never have 'Small squeaking mangled creature' flavour, or 'Frog rappé'? How about 'Day-old fledgling' or 'Disembowelled mouse'? Pack design would be interesting, but I suppose you could put it in 'gravy' or 'jelly' - but have you ever seen a cat with a gravy boat or tucking into a trifle?

Posting's been slow because I've been working on my new site. Head over to, and have a browse - and then come back here to give me feedback.

Sunday, October 15, 2006



"What is it?!"
"A, M, m, mmmouse! Aaaaarrrgh!"

And so it was that my mother suggested to the rest of the family that we might have a rodent problem.
Now clearly this is a situation that can't be allowed to continue, as mice defecate everywhere they go and are highly efficient in the production of more mice. Swift and decisive action is required if we are to avoid the destruction of our posessions and home.
When it comes to pest control, we're a family of pacifists. We'd rather not actually kill the furry little buggers.
We have a mouse trap, but it's a "humane" trap - it gently captures the offending creature, leaving you with the small matter of deciding what to do next. Usually, the mouse has been deposited up the road and left to fend for itself (and possibly finding its way back home)

We're now considering an ultrasonic deterrent to make life in our house generally unpleasant for creatures with better hearing than us. I remain to be convinced of the effectiveness, but only time will tell.
We never used to have mice - but since we stopped having neighbours with cats, we do spot the occasional furry intruder who has to be removed.

Saturday, October 14, 2006


Well chuffed

Dipped into Annie Mac's show, knew they were giving away tickets to Fatboy Slim as part of the BBC Electric proms.
She said text in your name
I did.
They called me back and I'm only blimmin' going to this 'intimate' gig at a pub in Camden in 2 week's time.

For reference 'intimate' probably means small sweaty room. Still brilliant though.

A post on mice will follow shortly.

Thursday, October 12, 2006


Ad break

The scene: An ad agency somewhere in central London. A number of "creatives" with spiky hair and T-shirts with exciting designs sit round a large oddly shaped table. Outside the office secretarial staff are trying to look busy and effortlessly cool whilst using brilliant white Apple computers (because everyone knows Apple computers are cool)
THE MANAGER walks in wearing a grey suit and slightly less spiky hair He likes shouting and is slightly deaf...

Manager: OK, here's the brief. It's a new housing development in Essex, and the fact that it's in Essex is it's unique selling point, the raison d'etre. We're trying to sell it to London workers. Give me ideas people. DAN!?
Dan: We could angle it to people from Essex?
Manager: BRILLIANT! Dan, Dan the ideas man. CRAIG!?
Craig: Yeah, uh, the Essex disapora. They want to get back to their roots, y' know
Manager: So they're proud of being from Essex?
Dan: Yes...
Manager: So... MIKE!? The name, the name, what's the name of the game?
Mike: We could call it... The Pride of Essex
Manager: [thumping table] FAN-BLOODY-TASTIC! Loving your work!
Craig: These people are Essex
Manager: YES! DAN! Hit me with a headline!
Dan: So our headline is...
[pause, hushed silence]
Dan: Are You Essex?
Manager: YESSSSS! Oh wow. This is so good I've just soiled myself. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER! Now the image. They're booking a full-page ad, so this had better be top-notch stuff. We need an image which epitomises Essex, AGREED!?
Mike: Sure
Manager: The new Essex
Dan: Right
Manager: The fresh, modern Essex which has cast off all the old hackneyed sterotype baggage
Craig: I've got an idea... it's fresh, new, and reduces Essex to one single image.
Manager: I knew you'd come through Craig, you're always my image guy I can count on. Anyone can do concepts and headlines like these two idiots, but you're special. Just go for it. I'm going to go change my underwear.

So there you have it. The essence of Essex is a blue-eyed [bottle] blonde on a sofa with a predilection for lip-gloss
Ad spotted in thelondonpaper

Tuesday, October 10, 2006



Just in case this important news item passed you by, I thought I'd draw attention to it. It amused me greatly.

In other so-called news, I filled in my MySpace profile. I can't see what all the fuss is about. It's just like Fortunecity all over again, but with better code.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


Reading matter

Seeing what other people are reading on the train is on of my favourite commuting pastimes, I'm a nosy bugger and sometimes even read over peoples' shoulders. Look, if it's a free paper, no harm done, and if it happens to be an analysis of the terror threats to UK ports... well, I looked away pretty sharpish (what I did glean though was a) we're fairly scrwed and b) people who work in these departments are pretty bad at shielding their laptop screens. So no surprises there.

This morning, I had:
On my left, a gentleman reading a book in a curly script that went from right to left (deja vu, anyone?)
On my right, a guy reading 'QX' magazine, a gay clubbers' publication, with a picture I could quite frankly have done without at 9.35 in the morning. (I'm not homophobic, graphic depictions of heterosexual activity are a bit much at that time in the morning too)
I did wonder what might happen if the two men noticed each others' reading matter, and how I'd cope with being in the middle.

The man reading the non-English book was probably reading a gujarati/hindi/urdu novel judging by the cover rather than a Qu'ran - they tend not to have pictures of ladies on the front. And for all I know he might have been gearing up for G-A-Y at the weekend. Stereotyping is a terrible thing, and I'm guilty as charged. Who'll throw the first stone though?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


The downfall of Gizmondo

Wired has a fascinating story about the now-defunct Gizmondo portable gaming company. I say company, but there's so much more to it than that. Behind the scenes, there was a lot going on, and the story's got robbery, fast cars, beautiful women, yachts, fast cars, a Swedish mafia, rap stars, extortion, and more fast cars.
The story finishes with this:
One of the world's most expensive cars, sheared in two.
The stories on Wired and it's a real page turner, if that's the right word. Stick with it and feel your jaw drop further and further with each paragraph.
[via Gizmodo]

UPDATE, FEB '07: This post seems to be bringing loads of people onto the blog as the image above was formerly on, but has now disappeared
If you sailed in from Google Images - hi, please take a look around and feel free to comment.
If you're really obsessed, there's a news report here It's just a car for goodness' sake!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006


Office chat

At a charity fundraising office comewhere in central London, Monday afternoon.

A: Krispy Kreme are doing a charity donut for Leonard Cheshire!
B: Not the British Heart Foundation then?
C: Or Diabetes UK?

B: Maybe they should link up with a charity supporting anorexics.

*I was B

Sunday, October 01, 2006


Men with small balls

17:30, Friday: I set off for the pub to see off my manager after she completed her maternity cover contract
05:30, Saturday: My alarm goes off and I start to drag myself out of bed for a day covering the World Golf Championships at the local posh golf course.
One of these days I'll learn not to go out the night before I have an early morning.
Anyway, a very long day, with a not a lot to do. Saw Tiger Woods tee off, my impression was of a man with a huge grin and lots of very white teeth. But if I was being paid what he's being paid, I think I'd walk around smiling too. Can't remember who his opponent was, but he seemed to have a very large nose.

I say I saw Tiger tee off, buto tbe honest I didn't see anything. I was at the back of the crowd, and als the balls are too small. Golf isn't a sport, it's a game, and it definitely shouldn't be considered a spectator sport. Open air, nice scenery... and you choose to share it with a shuffling crowd of people, watching men with dodgy fashion sense whilst being told to be silent. Give me a walk down the towpath any day (and as the canal runs through the course I get the same scenery. For free.)
I'm afraid I have to agree with Mark Twain's definition of the game:
"A good walk spoiled"

And I didn't even get a golf buggy to play with!

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